This was the most fun I've ever had
by sonyash26
Summary: Dan is ill and only has a few more hours to live. He leaves a letter for Phil in which he expresses his last thoughts.


Dear Phil,

You're going to find this letter next to my bed tomorrow morning when you come to visit. But, by that time, I will most probably be dead, so one of the doctors might hand it to you if they don't throw it right away. Hopefully, you'll find it one way or another because there are just a couple of things I want you to know before my heart stops beating. No, actually, there are a lot of things I want to tell you, but this is just the back of some medical receipt I found in the chest of draws, and I can barely hold the pen steadily in my hands. Plus, I was never much of a writer in the first place, so, unfortunately, I'd never be able to write down everything I've ever wanted to say to you.

Shit. I'm sorry, Phil. I'm so sorry. I promised you so many things that I can't fulfil. It must be hard for you to go through this again and you really don't deserve this. You'd never talk about Michael and I don't blame you. Although I can't imagine the pain you went through when he passed away, I can tell that, after having him as your best friend for so long, it took a while for you to get back on track. However, you told me one thing about him that I will never forget. You said that a person's importance can be felt by the void they leave behind after they die; when one person dies, it's almost like a piece of furniture breaks and you can easily them with someone else, but, when another person dies, no matter how hard you try to fill up the hole they left behind in your heart, there will always be emptiness. Now, when I'm so close to death, I can truly understand the meaning of your words. Phil, I don't want my death to bring more emptiness into your heart and, if there is such a thing as afterlife, I will hate myself forever for making you suffer. When I die, please forget about it, please just brush it off! I beg you!

They say people feel their death coming and I've never really thought about it until today. But it's true. I can sense its damp and rotten smell around me. They also say that, before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, but, as much as I've tried to concentrate on the events that had happened to me ever since I was born, the only images that come to my mind are the times I've spent with you. My life was nothing without you, Phil. The memories I have of myself before I turned 18 are like a blurry as fuck .png image. All I can see are the pixelated faces of people I've never felt a true connection to, the times I thought I've fallen in love, but found myself disappointed, the expectations I could never fulfil... The chaos of my soul before I met you. You were my light at the end of the tunnel of misery I was living in, Phil. You are the one who pulled me out of the pointless destiny I set for myself.

The day I met you everything - my whole world! - lost it's shitty fake meaning and gained a new one, a meaning that actually makes sense. I can picture it all in my head so clearly; the way you were standing there under the big clock at the train station, looking around, trying to spot me in the crowd. I remember thinking to myself "wow he's actually real!". I couldn't get over the fact that you were no longer pixels on my laptop screen anymore! And you were so perfect as well! After we hugged for the first time, I was left speechless, my mind unable comprehend the perfection I was facing. That day you showed me around Manchester; the ugly city seemed like heaven to me. And it was then that I realised that I love you. You must've seen through that because I have never felt that way for anyone before in my life. I couldn't control it so I just... kissed you. And it felt like my heart stopped for a while and then started beating again, but with a completely different force, echoing yours.

You've made me feel things I could've never imagined I could feel. You opened up so many things in me, which I never even knew existed. Without you, I could've never discovered my love for such things as public speaking or making people laugh. You showed me the talents I had that I was too afraid to show. I'm so thankful, Phil! And I feel that I've never truly repaid you for the things you did to me. Sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep (even more often when I was already at the hospital) because I hated myself for not being able to thank you properly. I hated myself for every little insult I've thrown at you. I hated myself for not expressing my love to you the way I wish I could.

I love you, Phil. I love you so much, it makes my weak heart beat twice as fast when I think of you. And it's only now, when my life is slipping away, that I realise what an idiot I was for not saying those words to you every single second. It's like I was sure that every day I would wake up with you next to me, certain that I could say these words any time I wanted. But I never did. And I hate myself for it. I wish I knew that just a couple of years later, I'll be lying here in this hospital, wanting to scream those words on the top of my lungs, wanting to fit as many "I love you"s as I can in the seconds ticking away on the clock next to my bed. I LOVE YOU. And I'll write it as many times as I can. I LOVE YOU, PHIL. I LOVE YOU. I want you to be happy! I hope you find an amazing person to spend the rest of your life with. Someone who is better than me and won't be afraid of saying those stupid eight letters, which I was trying to hide from myself all this time. I love you. And my vision is getting blurry, but, even when my hands are shaking, I will not stop writing these words over and over again. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!

There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to thank you for! Like all those sleepless nights you've spent next to me at the hospital and the lovely gifts you brought every single day. You care so much for me, Phil. If only I truly appreciated that, I would've bought you flowers every single day and made you breakfast every single morning. I would've tucked you in bed and kissed you till I run out of breath and said the nicest things to you till I run out of adjectives to describe your absolute perfection. Thank you for everything, Phil! I love you so much you can't even imagine. This was the most fun I've ever had.

Dan


End file.
